Hitting the Target Non-offensively

A popular trend in recent years has been the introduction of the “family” restroom in public places such as airports and shopping malls. These single-stall units provide a place where a tired mother can change her baby’s diaper in private, or where an adult child can assist his elderly parent in a relaxed atmosphere.

Despite their popularity, at least one store has found a need to change these facilities. Target, the local everything-you-need store, has changed the name of its family restrooms to “Unisex Restroom.” If you want to use the restroom, but you are not part of a family unit, then this is the restroom for you. Or possibly you belong to that third gender that is neither “men” nor “women.” Whatever the case, Target no longer wishes to offend you through an otherwise unobtrusive directional sign.

In a heartfelt desire to help Target be as open and non-offensive as possible, I offer these additional renaming suggestions.

• By introducing a new line of unisex clothing, Target can show the world that they do not suffer from the clearly chauvinistic tendencies that affect their competitors. Some suggested offerings might include:
  • Denim jeans built for a hard day at the construction site, with just a hint of frilly lace around the pockets and hems.
  • Shirts and blouses that alternate front buttons and buttonholes between the right and left sides of the opening.
  • An expanded line of undergarments that will bring to all genders the variety previously only available to women.
• Distinct entrance and exit doors smacks of the same sexism that keeps male and female restrooms distinct. I suggest that Target extend the Unisex Restroom idea to the front door with “Unidirectional Openings.” These doors will provide a much needed respite for those customers who wish to simply linger in the doorway, neither entering nor exiting.
• A “housewares” section appears in all Target stores. But this name is clearly offensive to those forced to live in apartments, sub-standard dwellings, or inadequately-furnished street corners. If our battle with homelessness has taught us anything, it has taught us that avoiding the word “house” will help solve the problems that plague America. I therefore humbly offer this new sectional name: “Whereeverwares.” In the same vein, the warehouse should be renamed to wareresidence.
• Fitting rooms assume that everyone who enters such rooms will find clothes that fit their particular body shape. This is patently offensive to those with “unique physiques.” To better server their clientele, Target Stores could simply rename these back rooms to the “Hall of Mirrors,” avoiding any judgmental statements about their fat customers.
• While the naming of the Toy department seems innocuous, it does not consider the plight of children in third-world countries who have to suffer the degradation of a life without toys. To be fair to children everywhere, Target has no choice but to eliminate this section from their standard Target and larger Target GreatLand locations.

By making these and other similar changes, and all in a timely manner, I am confident that Target can accomplish its goal of providing the widest selection of goods, at the best possible prices, and yet still in the most offensive way possible.